I love you 10 + 1

A February dedication to self-love.

A friend laughed while handing me a book and said, “My love language is gifts.” I took the book, said my thanks and went home wondering, because, well, I didn’t feel loved in that moment. In fact, I felt uncomfortable. I’ve heard about Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages, but never read it. What I do know is that gifts are not my love language. In fact, it makes me feel unsettled when friends or loved ones give gifts— an old trauma response from my childhood that I still carry, even in my wise years. I have learned to breathe, and be present, and grateful, but there is still a tightening in my chest when someone gives a gift, especially if I wasn’t expecting it. The thing is, love isn’t just about the intention, deep connection is about thinking more about how my offering might be received, a respect for the impact, the response. My loved ones know that my love language is words of affirmation and presence— asking me questions about what I think and feel, really listening to me. These two love languages warm my heart. But my loved ones don’t always speak my language, and that means I could feel resentful, irritated and unappreciated. So what to do?

In a nutshell, these are the five love languages.

These languages work in every relationship, and can change over time. I remember when a hug from my six year old son was the sweetest thing ever, until he turned seven and hugs were definitely not cool. Not his love language, at least in our relationship. Love is not about control, that is the opposite of love, needing to control someone else is fear; that you may not love me, the way I want. To be fully present in a relationship means to get really authentic about how I am in relationship with others. How can I honor other’s needs, hold boundaries and space for myself fully, ask clearly for what I need, and then listen to other’s heart’s desires? How can I feel and express love in effective ways?

The best place to start is with myself. If I truly wish to connect with others in loving, compassionate and kind ways, then I first need to fully express those things to myself. Fill the cup, so there is something to give.

I decided to dedicate the heart-warming month of February to self-love, so that I have more love to give. Shopping therapy is not loving to my budget, and I remember gifts aren’t my thing anyway. Since words of affirmation are my love language, I bought myself a pretty hummingbird journal, a special fountain pen, and I will write myself a love letter every day. I don’t know how I will feel at the end of the month, but I look forward to getting 29 (yay, leap year) love letters this month.

Another love language that appeals to me is presence, being fully here in this moment, no distractions or busy mind, just me and the breath. So, if being fully present for others or having that attention from loved ones is your language maybe try this breath practice.

The number 12 in numerology is a number of completion, a full cycle. Eleven is a number of movement toward completion, a magic number of 1 and 1. A reflection of self. I take eleven breaths, in through the nose, fully inhaling, then out through the mouth with a HAAA sound, the qi gong sound of fire, stimulating the heart, and the blood.

As I inhale, I think my name… as I exhale, I visualize a flow of love moving with the breath, and I maybe also say, “love…”. ‘My name’, then ‘love’, over and over. Eleven times. This powerful breath is even more magical when you visualize something about yourself you aren’t too crazy about, or a place of pain or illness. Scrunch up your face on the inhale (like you are smelling something bad), as if you are breathing in that part of you that you don’t like— then open the mouth and send a breath of love to that part of you. Try this every morning, and every night before you go to sleep, and then notice the shift that comes, when your body, your energy feels the effect of love. Big, juicy, joyful love.

May you investigate the ways your heart warms this month, and turn in with loving kindness to yourself, in whatever languages fit you best. And, then feel that expansion flowing outward in blooming ways.