One mosquito, two mosquitoes, three mosquitoes, four.

Five mosquitoes, six mosquitoes, now I’m out the door.

Some get squeamish around spiders, or slugs, maybe you find moths creepy. I hate— double hate— mosquitoes. I swell up with a bite, and if I become bug food at night, I will scratch until I bleed. There are mosquito bite scars on my body. So, as I sat in the meditation hall, at the retreat center in the desert of New Mexico, quietly breathing and minding my own somewhat mindful business, when the zzhhzhzhzhzh sound near my ear started a little eye twitching. The day before I carried a fan everywhere I went, but today, I was fanless, covered in natural mosquito repellent that seemed instead to be an attractant, trying my best to Zen myself into calm. Wasn’t working. Zzzhzhzhzhzhzhhz.

All the ‘shoulds’ filled my head.

I should sit still, everyone else is fine. It’s just a bug, relax. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I just chill out? I am the worst meditator on the planet.

Funny how quick the self blame machine whirs into action. And that just makes everything worse. The finger pointing started moving outward: why did they leave the door open? Don’t they have a mosquito zapper? Oh, wait, Buddhists don’t kill bugs….

I would love to say the inside conversation stopped there, but the voice in my head just got louder, until finally, I stopped.

I am making my own suffering.

I paused, breathed, and listened to the not so faint hum of mosquitoes hunting. I was making this worse, and I was deriving no benefit from my practice in this moment. And, the truth is, why do we expect the sometimes impossible from ourselves? Why do we drown in our own comparisons to other people, when it just creates frustration, resentment, irritation, judgement, blame, and on and on? So, I looked myself (metaphorically) in the eye, and thought,

Sweetie, it is time to take care of yourself.

So, I quietly got up from my meditation cushion, walked slowly back to my room, closed the door, and laid down on my small bed, all blissfully quiet. I felt my muscles relax, a sigh of breath, and now the work of releasing self judgement began. There would be times for me to build my dedication, my devotion to the practice of mindfulness in community, but not today.

I breathed, felt the rise and fall of my ribs, the belly moving with the breath, and I thought about the beauty of the high desert surrounding me. Sometimes, expecting ourselves to be present, to be mindful and grateful when we are inundated with mosquitoes— whether those pests are internet noise, politics, neighbor drama, family issues, or our own buzzy minds— is just too much. We have limited resources after all. So, what do we do?

Make space. Maybe time to take a short break from that friend who loves politics just a little too much. Maybe choosing to leave the cell phone off for the day, or the hour. Maybe drop that Absolutely Necessary task for now, and take a walk outside. Maybe subtracting activities rather than adding them, just for now.

Space. Kindness. Care for ourselves as we navigate the sometimes chaotic noise around us. What we need in these times is not less self-care, less recharging, we need more. And, finding truly nourishing ways to build our resilience, to get a little quiet, connect with a human, or an animal, maybe a tree. We build resilience and regulate our nervous systems with patient, regular care. We know how, no fancy app needed, just swing your arms around and breathe, fully, in and out, noticing the breath move the body. Stretch, like a cat or a dog, and look at the sky.

And when we make that kind choice to care for ourselves, then maybe we have the resources to step bravely back in, to see what our relationship is to the mosquitoes. If we feel more resilient, less reactive, then YAY! Celebration time.

I did go back to the hall later, armed with my beautiful bamboo fan, and fanned everyone around me, as we listened to the blessed quiet.

If you need a little space, some breathing room, please consider joining my live sessions on Zoom, first Sundays of each month for Heartsong: Yoga Nidra, and Full Moon Meditation, the date changes depending on the moon cycle. Check my patreon.com/TLyoga2go page for links.